Ok let’s get one thing clear: the fact that we need to come out sucks. It just does; nothing we can do about that. It’s this ritual embedded in our society that LGBT+ people need to broadcast our sexual preferences or gender identity for everyone to see, like it even matters. And why should it? The majority of people to whom you’ll be coming out couldn’t care less who you think is cute or which pronoun you wish to use. The majority of people never need to come out themselves; everyone just assumes (in their case, correctly) that they fit in with “the norm.”
That being said, we can spend a long time talking about should and shouldn’t; at the end of the day coming out does matter. It matters because you’ll discover this great big loving family you never even knew you had. It matters because you’ll feel different, then realize it’s because you feel more like you. It matters because you’ll not only be helping yourself, you’ll be helping in creating a better tomorrow for everyone who will come out in the future.
Some thoughts if someone comes out to you...
- Be respectful - I'm aware that this is at once very obvious and very vague, so I'll clarify. A good principle for this is the idea of action and reaction. That is, it's usually good to think about how they came out to you when you're figuring out how you should respond. For instance, if they come out very casually, they probably don't want you to make a big deal about it. But if they make it a serious announcement, you probably shouldn't respond too casually. The best rule of thumb for responding to a coming-out well is paying attention. It is, after all, all about them, and thus it's your job to figure out how they would like you to respond, and to respond accordingly.
- Be grateful - This is an easy one to miss, but can make a big difference for the person who comes out to you. They have decided to share something very personal and important about themselves with you and you should be grateful for that honor. You don't necessarily have to express your gratitude in words, or right away, but any way that you can indicate how much it means to you that they told you can go a long way.
Some thoughts if you are coming out to someone...
- Only come out if you are ready to do so, and know that you will not endanger your safety. As important as coming out is, your well-being (mental, physical, environmental) has to come first.
- Think ahead about the kind of reaction you want and act accordingly. For example, one of the easiest ways to try to prevent people from making too big a deal of it is to not make a big deal of it yourself. On the other hand, if you do want people to take your coming out very seriously, you might not want to come out very casually.
- Remember that it's about you and thus totally up to you to come out however and to whomever you want. Whether you come out with an offhand comment or a tornado of glitter, to an acquaintance or to your closest friend, today or ten years from today, we love you and support you and wish you all the best.
♥,
Andy and Rebecca